The Cost Of Pursuing A Dream

Photo Paul D. Van Hoy II
www.fotoimpressions.com

Though previous efforts have been made to expose inner city youths to ballet, I’ve often wondered what happens after they fall in love. How can these bright eyed children from difficult backgrounds possibly afford the costs associated with this patrician art form. The weekly purchase of point shoes alone stresses even middle class families finance.

As a child, I scarcely understood the sacrifice my family made so that I can pursue a ballet career. Classes, shoes and attire not only meant tremendous financial commitment from my parents lower middle class budget, but from my siblings as well, who would sometimes have to forego certain ambitions due to the family’s strained resources. Despite the burden a simple costume fee placed on my family’s finances, I still managed to attend ballet classes five to six times per week, purchases of dozens of pointe shoes a year along with a drawer full of tights and leotards. Reflecting on all the costs, it’s no wonder why ballet is rarely pursued by the underprivileged. Without support from scholarships, the tireless efforts of my parents to find resources for me and the sacrifice of my siblings, I would have never been able to pursue my passion. It is truly heartbreaking to think that there is some little girl out there dancing in her living room, dreaming of tutus and tiaras, who may never get the opportunity to pursue her dreams because she lacks the means.

While discussing this difficult and very personal issue with a friend, I was referred to a website for the City of Angels Ballet, Los Angeles, which has the mission of helping underprivileged children actually pursue their dreams of becoming ballet dancers. The website describes the Academy and its mission as follows:

Since it's inception in 1993, the City of Angels Ballet has offered hope, inspiration and opportunity, in the form of classical ballet training, to hundreds of talented children from some of the toughest neighborhoods in Los Angeles. At this not-for-profit, selective ballet academy, boys and girls, aged 8 to 18 receive formal instruction and dancewear at no cost to their families. Our dancers reflect the diverse ethnic mix that makes up this city, and most qualify for the Federal Free lunch program at their public schools.

Founder and Artistic Director, Mario Nugara has a lovely quote on the website:

"My dream was to create a ballet company and academy reflective of our wonderul diverse city that utilizes the untapped talent existing in every community in Los Angeles. The City of Angels Ballet is well on its way to making this dream come true!"

Underprivileged communities are filled with untapped talent. As a child I remember attending small talent contests in my neighborhood and being blown away at some of the talent that would surface. I was too young to understand just how fortunate and blessed I was to be given an opportunity to explore my talent by my parents and others who believed and invested in me. Far too many, far too often are not so lucky.

I applaud Mr. Nugara for realizing this need and choosing to take action. What a wonderful gift he is giving to these children and their communities. Through the respect and discipline learned at the academy, students are receiving praises from school teachers and impacts are being felt in their families and communities. Wouldn't it be wonderful if such opportunities could be granted to all underprivileged communities? How many children go down the wrong path because of lack of direction, inspiration or hope. Mr. Nugara is giving these children more than ballet training, he is giving them hope!

Gone But Not Forgotten

Photo by Paul Van Hoy II

As the world breathes a sigh of relief over the killing of Osama Bin Laden, and as we remember those who have lost their lives and others who continue to suffer, I am reminded of the weeks that followed September 11th.

I will never forget the sense of collective unity formed through this tragedy. I felt a bond of kinship with perfect strangers as we stood in endless lines to give blood, held hands or sang together in Union Square. Walls and stern looks so commonplace as one weaves through congested New York City sidewalk traffic were replaced by an uncharacteristic quiet, compassion and a desire to comfort those around you. Celebrity gossip and tabloid spectacle had lost its significance. Our focus shifted to family, friends, volunteering, being good neighbors and carpe diem--as we were all abruptly made aware just how short and fragile life is. It wasn't too long after we were encouraged to return back to "normalcy" when suddenly celebrities were back on the scene and we were being feed our daily dose of media junk food. Although I understood the need to lift the spirits of a distraught nation, I wished we could have used that horrible tragedy as an opportunity to shift our collective focus and mentality. I wished "normalcy" wasn't a 24 hour partisan news cycle, gossip columns, fast food, high fashion and cosmetic surgery. I missed the moments when strangers and countrymen stood in solidarity to comfort each other and focus on things that really matter like; our country, our communities, our families, and yes, our very own lives.

To all those who have lost their lives and to those who mourn them, those who bear the scars of tragedy, and to those fighting for freedom, my prayers are with you. We shall never forget!

You Are Not Alone

Source unkown

 

This week I wanted to post something more lighthearted as a counter balance to the weightier issues discussed each week. However, as I read through viewer responses to past blogs, some sharing moments of adversity and others expressing resignation to the harsher realities of ballet, I realized that recounting an amusing anecdote from my touring days, or discussing how my late blooming love of chocolate formed in Switzerland, would be woefully inadequate. Having so often felt isolated and alone throughout my career, I want this blog to connect people who feel they have no voice, and struggle silently. I want this blog to be a forum to express ideas, challenge outmoded notions, spark

discussion, broaden perspectives and yes, vent!

When I came across the above image online, it resonated with me on a deeply personal level. As a child I would silently stare out my bedroom window wondering if I would ever be the royal, ethereal, angelic ballerina of my dreams, or just another stereotype chasing a pipe dream. In sharing this wonderfully powerful image I want to declare to all young artists, who often feel marginalized and left behind, you are more powerful than you know—you are not alone!

Thin is in!...Yeah, we know

[source]

A small post on the website Any Body reads:

Ballet (if you can believe it) is an even sicker industry than fashion. Not only are students and professional dancers constantly suffering from body anxiety and emotional and psychological abuse from their teachers, most ballet dancers also have eating disorders. If you've seen "Black Swan" you've seen how horrible the life of a ballet dancer can be. How can we help them to heal and change the standards of the ballet industry?

I am not sure that we could ever really "change" these standards. However, there is finally an ever so gradual trend developing towards broadening ballet’s perspective. But for many dancers, the damage has already been done.

 

 

 http://www.cherylm.info/sites/photography.htm

My struggle with my body image began as a very young woman and sadly continues to this day. After continuous involvement with a career that puts such emphasis on the body, and the media, from Hollywood to high fashion, perpetuating a "rail thin" aesthetic, it's no wonder so many women and girls find it hard to overcome this struggle. While many friends and colleagues would tell me how great I looked,  I received no such reassurance from my instructors until I began to shed significant weight from already constantly conditioned physique. This lack of approval made me question the sincerity and/or credibility of my supporters. I couldn’t possibly look good without the blessings of my company masters could I? I tried to come to terms with ballet’s rigid expectations, as well as my own high standards. Although,  I wanted desperately to meet the approval of directors and instructors, my own good sense and grounding refused to allow the extreme to become my reality. I would often stall my own progress in the name of rationality. Whenever I would get midway through yet another starvation-like diet, I would then retreat for fear that I was giving into something which I didn't believe in. I created a vicious cycle that caused a lot of frustration throughout my career. I remember trying almost every diet known to man. However, at the end of the day, a button I recall seeing as a child summed these experiences up best: " I have been on a diet for a week and all I lost was seven days!" How many times that expression rang true for me. 

Looking back, I can laugh at all the ridiculous fads I experimented with, but for some dancers, this is no laughing matter. I empathize with those dancers who suffer so much with self-image, especially at very young ages. I know there are more and more efforts being made towards helping younger dancers deal with issues of weight and my prayer is that such efforts will be successful. I must admit I am a bit skeptical. It seems a bit contradictory to expect dancers to reach unhealthy goals in a healthy way. Maybe it is possible...we shall see.

I found this video not only disturbing, but it truly saddens me. Unfortunately, I know of far too many with this same mentality.

Everyone's A Critic

[source]

I always wondered why some dancers are so critical of each other when we are already overwhelmed by critiques, corrections and our own looping internal monologue that speaks to insecurities about appearance and technique. I have often taught classes where I have witnessed dancers laughing at another classmate who was performing an exercise. Perhaps I too have been a culprit of this sort of subtle cruelty. However, as a young dancer, my awareness of others judgments and criticisms made me feel insecure. I never knew what lied behind the smirks, giggles and low whispers. It was easier to hide from an instructor during a difficult exercise, but not the many dancers who surround the studio. Many times I have found myself in awe of another dancer and eager to share my thoughts with the nearest listener. I have also found myself walking away from negative discourse or ignoring a discourteous remark. I grew less tolerant of destructive criticism with maturity. The keen awareness of my own insecurities also made me sensitive and empathetic towards other dancers. When I did infrequently make a negative remark regarding another dancer, I found it was often to cover up my own insecurities. So the question arises: when has bringing another individual down really ever made you feel better? The answer is invariably: Never! No matter the skill level, I have always been a firm believer that you can learn something from everyone, be it footwork, port de bras or just work ethic and determination. It is so much more rewarding to learn from each other than to tear each other down.

Now whenever I have an opportunity to teach younger dancers, I try and make it a point to teach them to be oblivious to the eyes around them. However, applying the cliche: "dance as if no one is watching" is much easier said than done. Some people are able to ignore these watchful eyes quite effortlessly -- oh how I envy them! I think when we teach young dancers the etiquette of the classroom, we should include respecting and supporting fellow dancers as well.  I know of many teachers who are already instilling this important lesson-- I applaud you! 

HAIR WE GO...AGAIN!

After the response of last weeks post, it occurred to me that there just is not enough exposure to the beauty of our natural tresses. Conceptions about hair are shallow and antiquated. No woman should have to hide one of the wonderful attributes of her unique beauty. Uniformity not only places a heavy tax on diversity, but it can sometimes be really boring!

  I have spoken before regarding the beauty of diversity in its many natural manifestations. Diversity should be reflected in people the same way it is reflected in the wonderment of nature. Mother earth in all its exquisite beauty provides the perfect template and inspiration for diversity not only in art, but throughout our lives.

In ending this post, I wanted to put together images that displayed the elegance and beauty found in well taken care of natural African -American hair. 

Be inspired!

[source[

[source]

[source}

[source]

[source]

[source]

[source]

Inna Modja - singer/songwriter/model

HAIR WE GO

 

[source]

I came across this photo while doing some research on my last post. It was the observation in the paragraph that followed which presented an interesting topic and stirred up some uncomfortable memories from my past. The comment went as follows:

“i find the natural hair charming/interesting, esp because a black ballet dancer would almost certainly have to straighten/pull back her hair, unless the company was alt/up-and-coming/deliberately provocative. but i don’t think i’ve ever seen a picture of a black ballet dancer with a fro. natural hair, yes. fro, no.”

 This comment made me recall several instances where my hair caused me to feel distant and removed from the classical art I had grown to love. There were many ballets where the dancer was meant to wear their hair down, and the image of long flowing locks billowing through the air as the dancers movement graced the stage was a breathtaking image for all who observed. Many of the ballets highlighted hair as the dancers were required to either wear long ponytails or have lengthy hair that draped and flowed during performances. This built in aesthetic posed real challenges to many girls no matter what ethnicity, but an even greater challenge for myself and other dancers of color. Luckily, we all had tricks up their sleeves to overcome these natural challenges. One particular instance during my time at Bejart Ballet will forever stick with me. While choreographing a new piece, Maurice Bejart instructed each dancer to let down their hair to see if he could incorporate that into the piece. He instructed each girl, one by one to take down their hair, and as I stood their watching each girl’s hair fall gracefully down their backs, my insecurity begin crawling its way up my spine. My hair is textured and not prone to falling down straight like what I have seen in many ballets. I believed in protecting my hair by keeping it natural and avoiding harsh and damaging chemical perms and relaxers.  I also enjoyed the versatility that my natural hair provided. However, inside I knew this was not the image he was looking for.  I certainly had never seen any evidence that my hair type was desired as the above comment so pointedly stated. Therefore, when my turn came and I loosened my hair band—my hair puffed out crinkly and curly, not straight down.  Maurice smiled and some dancers chuckled. Luckily, I was a much more mature dancer and was able to brush off such a reaction. I could only image how such insensitivity would have affected me as a younger dancer. However, this episode still bothered me. It never feels good to be laughed at because of who you are. However, although I was offended and disappointed, I was not surprised.

    Recently I found an article from the Afro-Europe International Blog. It mentioned an episode in the Netherlands where a young Dutch girl was excluded from attending a ballet class because her hair was not worn in the required smooth bun. Actions were then taken against the school and hopefully this issue was resolved, but it does leave me torn. I do believe that ballet requires great discipline and that begins in the ballet studio. This involves a strict dress code, fierce work ethic, respectful demeanor and of course requirements on hair. I came from a school that didn't even allow girls to wear bangs. Thanks to the billion dollar hair industry, there are a plethora of options out there for achieving this "classical look." However, what happens to that little girl who may not have any of these options? Should the little girl, with hair too short to pull back in a bun or who’s too young for chemical relaxers be turned away from class? Is it fair to turn away a dancer who fits all the necessary requirements, but whose hair doesn't make the cut? Should a young dancer do whatever it takes achieve the perfect aesthetic? I struggle with my own feelings regarding this issue because there is a part of me that says, "ballet has strict requirements and we need to try our best to adhere to them.”  Strict discipline is what sets ballet apart from many other art forms." At the same time, there is the other part of me which feels that there’s more to art than hair. I feel my identity is being attacked because my hair represents who I am, my roots. Watering down my ethnicity seems to be what is expected of me and that leaves many wounds especially for a young girl just beginning to understand who she is. There is a uniformity that is required in ballet and I assume hair is part of that. Although, a blogger once wrote that I, as an African American dancer, disrupted the uniformity and clean lines of an otherwise all white performance. Should we accept such commentary as the classical standard, or should we challenge it as narrow-mindedness and prejudice?

    In all segments of life, African American women are struggling to fit into a European model. Straightening their hair helps them “fit in” while wearing their hair natural is seen as a provocative statement. Why should choosing to wear your hair naturally be seen as a statement? Recently, Sesame Street's head writer, Joey Mazzarino, was inspired to create a skit to help his daughter, as well as other young Af. Am. girls appreciate their beauty. This inspiration sparked when his daughter displayed a dislike of her own hair after playing with Barbie dolls. The video soon went viral, and even plucked at the heart strings of older African-American women. What consequences do these classical notions of beauty have on all of us?

It’s amazing to think something as little as how I wear my hair became such a big deal.